By Rabbi Evan J. Krame
As a young couple in the mid-1980s, we set goals for ourselves before having children. We agreed that we must own a set of bedroom furniture, visit Europe, and have a few thousand dollars in a bank account. We did not contemplate the cost of having children, the environmental impact of overpopulation, or the emotional toll of losing our independence. We never thought that our children would be a burden too great for us. Perhaps we were naïve. I like to think that we were hopeful.
And then I remember calling my mother and saying something like, “Why didn’t you warn me that raising children would be so hard?” It turns out that the Torah has lessons on how to cope with the prospect of unruly or burdensome offspring.
In the beginning of Deuteronomy, Moses recalls that he said “I cannot bear the burden of you . . . ( אֵיכָ֥ה אֶשָּׂ֖א לְבַדִּ֑י טׇרְחֲכֶ֥ם וּמַֽשַּׂאֲכֶ֖ם וְרִֽיבְכֶֽם׃) How can I bear you by myself, the trouble of you, and the burden, and the bickering?” Deuteronomy 1:12. Verse 12 begins with the same word of woe as the book of Lamentations, Eicha! The father of the Hebrew nation was exhausted by his children. Moses was fatigued, but he was not without hope.
I am reminded that a seemingly disturbing trend regarding families has been reported in recent years. Increasingly, people of parenting age are choosing to delay having children or deciding not to have kids at all. What is going on?
The top answers are these: “I’m afraid of how my life will change.” “What if I don’t know how to be a good parent?” “I don’t know if I can afford the cost of raising children.” Or perhaps they heard their parents lament like Moses, “I can’t bear the burden of you kids, the trouble and the bickering!”
In Deuteronomy, Moses addressed a new generation. Those who left Egypt were gone. Their descendants did not experience the many freedom-bringing miracles. Moses assured them that God was always with the people. The upcoming campaign to take Canaan was built on promises made by God who they did not know. And yet, they carried on. In other words, one must have faith and hope.
For the young couple today, having a baby is a matter of hope. One must set aside their fears of burdens, financial challenges, or coping with children in difficult times. Having a child, particularly in this era, declares to the world that you have faith. The world can improve, people can coexist peacefully, and you’re betting your child’s life on that.
Rabbi Evan J. Krame
If this reflection resonates with you, consider sharing it with your community—or simply take a moment to reflect on the fire you’ve endured and the strength you’ve gained.
