Aretha Said it Best
Parents just want to help. At least that’s what we call sharing our opinion. It’s an ancient habit and one that is risky, especially when talking to a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. The key to being heard? Respect.
In Torah, after Moses brought the Israelites to their encampment at Sinai, his father-in-law, Yitro, visits. They have a nice long chat and a very civil meeting. The next day, Yitro notices that Moses is acting as the sole judge to hear all of the disputes among the multitudes. Yitro says, “Moses, you will wear yourself out! There’s a better way.”
If a stranger had approached Moses to offer a critique, Moses could have easily dismissed the interlocutor. With a family member, an additional dynamic is at play. Moses demonstrates his great character once again, recognizing his father in law’s wisdom and instituting his suggestions.
The dynamic of a parent or in-law offering an opinion is universal. I recently read Hillbilly Elegy. That exploration of Hillbilly culture focuses on the family matriarch, Mawmaw, who freely interjects her foul-mouthed and harshly worded criticisms. And yet, the author, her grandson, admires and loves her. His affection is not despite her coarseness but in appreciation of her deep caring. How does he see past her assertiveness and foul-mouth? He admires her respect for education, which becomes a key to his own success as an adult.
We live in a time when people are not inclined to listen to each other. Our egos, honor, and identity are too easily influenced by the opinions of others, and in particular, family and friends. I wonder what has become of civil society – are we too thin-skinned and brittle to listen without offense? Or have we forgotten how to speak in a way that others might hear? There’s another possibility – lack of respect.
We fail at offering respect. The process of listening is a demonstration of respect. But we don’t listen very well to each other. People are too eager to offer their own thoughts, speaking over each other and becoming aggressively defensive. If we have forgotten how to be respectful, then we won’t be able to receive the opinions of even the people closest to us.
Respect is a policy of reciprocity. We get respect when we give it. To give deep respect, we must be in awe of the human being with whom we are engaged. Each one, created in God’s image, has the potential to add goodness and challenges to overcome. As Aretha Franklin said, find out what it means to me! Let’s practice this with our families. The words don’t have to be perfect, but the sentiment must be holy.
Rabbi Evan J. Krame