Parenting a Parent?

As people live longer there may come a time when the adult child will assume the role of a parent’s caretaker. For this role reversal to be successful, parent and child must reengage with caring and faith.

The first such example in Torah of this role reversal is that of Jacob as an elderly man. His world is upended with a move to Egypt in a time of famine, ceding leadership of the clan to his second youngest son, Joseph.

This episode brings to mind the contemporary issue of an elderly parent moving to a new residence for safety and health care reasons. Such relocation is similar to the exigency and challenge Jacob felt moving from his expansive home near Beersheba to the restricted but “safer” land of Goshen in Egypt. In that repositioning, the parent may seek favors and promises from a child who now commands the relationship.

Then as now, the child may be in charge and the parent compelled to elicit promises. As we read: “when the days of Jacob’s life will soon end, he called to Joseph, his son, and said to him, ‘If I have found favor in your eyes, please place your hand under my thigh and perform for me this demonstration of your steadfast loyalty; please don’t bury me in Egypt.’” Gen. 47:29.

וַיִּקְרְב֣וּ יְמֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֘ל לָמוּת֒ וַיִּקְרָ֣א ׀ לִבְנ֣וֹ לְיוֹסֵ֗ף וַיֹּ֤אמֶר לוֹ֙ אִם־נָ֨א מָצָ֤אתִי חֵן֙ בְּעֵינֶ֔יךָ שִֽׂים־נָ֥א יָדְךָ֖ תַּ֣חַת יְרֵכִ֑י וְעָשִׂ֤יתָ עִמָּדִי֙ חֶ֣סֶד וֶאֱמֶ֔ת אַל־נָ֥א תִקְבְּרֵ֖נִי בְּמִצְרָֽיִם׃

You might note that Jacob is extremely solicitous, using pleading and passionate vocabulary.  Jacob knew his request for burial in Canaan is not easy for Joseph to affirm. There was a great physical distance to traverse from Egypt to Canaan to complete the burial. Discussing death with his father is emotional for Joseph. Moreover, Joseph represents Egypt as second in command to Pharaoh. The polity would expect him to follow Egyptian burial customs for his family. Yet, Abraham’s faith ties this family to God’s plans for this clan to live and be buried in the Promised Land. Jacob’s concern is by whose rules will the much-assimilated Joseph abide, the customs of Egypt or the heritage of the Hebrews?

Jacob appeals to Joseph by alluding to the filial relationship, the duty of honoring a parent, and the spiritual heritage that ties this family to the Promised Land. Jacob speculates that his solicitation and consequential empowerment of his son will secure burial indicative of their heritage, thus enabling the role reversal.

A successful role reversal can be the determinative factor in preserving religious tradition. The first step is to recognize that the “parentification” of the child when a parent is elderly, presents logistical, emotional and spiritual challenges. The adult child may have their own obligations of child-rearing, career building, and community leadership.

Accordingly, Jacob was solicitous of his son, which some commentators attribute to the need to be deferential to Joseph’s leadership role in Egypt. I find something more compelling.

Jacob sets an example of how best to engage the deep emotional and spiritual connection between parent and child. First, Jacob recognizes that Joseph has multiple loyalties. Accordingly, he elicits the burial promise with a respectful and earnest appeal to his son. Second, both men have experienced their lives in the context of God’s planning. Guided by faith, both men are better able to navigate the role reversal.  Third, Jacob and Joseph were able to re-establish intimacy in this final stage of their relationship. This renewal of the parent-child relationship is carefully recounted in Torah.

Torah sets an example of how to guarantee the next generations will sustain our Jewish legacy.  We best entrust the future to our children in relationships that recognizes both the challenges of modern life and the rewards of living in a faith filled tradition. When we as parents and children honor each other appropriately at all stages of life we expand holiness.

The evolving relationship between parent and child requires rejiggering as we age. The successful transition includes appropriate deference and caring natures. Moreover, the reconstituted devotion between aging parent and adult child represents a way to connect with God and fulfill our Jewish legacy.

R’ Evan J. Krame