Bad News Bearers

I needed a guide for navigating difficult conversations. Comforting the grieving and ill is a mitzvah, but we have to be careful what we say to be helpful and not harmful. I thought of this analogy. We should be like a bowl of chicken soup: warm, nourishing, simple, made with love, and leaving room for more. Here’s what triggered my thinking on this topic.

What Not to Say: Lessons from Joseph’s Story

In the Torah, Joseph’s brothers sell him into slavery and then cover up their actions. They bring his bloodstained tunic to their father, saying:

“We found this. Please examine it; is it your son’s tunic or not?”

No assumption of fault and nearly no compassion can be found in their approach. The share bad news in the form of a question, a construct that places distance between those asking and those answering.  Why then would they ask their father to confirm what they already knew? Did they hope to soften the blow or avoid culpability? Either way, it’s an example of an abrupt and dishonest way to deliver bad news. And then,

Notice that only Jacob mourned for Joseph. No wonder he refused to be comforted by his sons and daughters, who did not actually mourn with him. They could not approach his grief and could not offer comfort.

From my own experiences—countless hospital visits and shiva calls —I’ve learned how to approach difficult moments thoughtfully. The key is to say little as described in Proverbs 18:27-28,

A knowledgeable person is sparing with his words;
A person of understanding is reticent.

Even a fool, if keeping silent, is deemed wise;
Intelligent, if he/she seals their lips.

14 Guidelines for Delivering Bad News

1. Be direct. Don’t avoid the issue with euphemisms and platitudes. Say, “X is sick” or “Y has died.”
2. Avoid empty questions. Instead of “How are you doing?”—which can feel trite and unanswerable — just acknowledge the reality (i.e. “this sucks”)
3. Keep it simple. Jewish tradition gets it right: say little. Try something that acknowledges pain like: “what a blow,” or “This is so hard”.
4. Don’t dig for details. Avoid questions about how or why the tragedy occurred. Focus on listening not playing detective.
5. Skip immediate offers to help. Presence is more valuable than problem-solving at first.
6. Hold off on logistics. Tasks like notifying others or organizing food can wait for an hour or two.
7. Trust the medical team. Avoid questioning the medical care right away. It can stir doubts or guilt.
8. Avoid distressing stories. Don’t share your anecdotes about painful experiences. It adds fear, not comfort.
9. Be practical. Coordinate a meal train or a schedule of visitors without involving the grieving person.
10. Keep your emotions in check. Don’t add your concerns or dread to their burden.
11. Respect boundaries. Physical touch is not always welcome. Perhaps you can offer merely to hold a hand before initiating big physical touch like a hug.
12. Plan for follow-ups. Say, “I’ll call on Thursday. You don’t have to answer but I’ll be available,” or “I’ll bake your favorite cookies. And keep them in the freezer.” Concrete and tangible actions matter when offered without obligation.
13. Allow time. Grieving and healing can’t be rushed. Your continued presence over time is the best gift.
14. Leave with assurance. End on a note of continued care and support. There is brilliance in the traditional phrase: “HaMakom Yinachem” – may you find comfort among all who grieve” It acknowledges their pain, and that they are not alone.

A Better Way to Care

Joseph’s brothers set a low bar for delivering bad news and comforting their father. We can do better when coming into the presence of someone who is coping with a crisis. Show up with a full heart, but not a full mouth. Speak less, listen more, and let your actions show your love.

Rabbi Evan J. Krame