I often see the world through the lens of estate planning. Having worked in the field of estates and trusts for nearly forty years, I connect with Torah stories like the end of Jacob’s life. In the final chapters of Genesis, Jacob delivers final messages to his family that serve as his legal and spiritual will. He sets an example for us all. But first, let’s get back to me.

I am a proud long-time member of the AARP. And now I get discounts at museums, movies, and on Amtrak. I have a “mature” perspective on living. In forty years of lawyering, I primarily assisted clients with their estate planning. I have a lawyer’s perspective on dying. With my clients, we planned for the difficulties of aging: possible disability, end-of-life medical care, and funeral arrangements. I served my clients efficiently and stoically. And then I went to “rabbi school.”

From a rabbi’s perspective, I found that some clients welcome the connection between their legal needs and spiritual lives. These people appreciated having a “man of the cloth” guide them through the estate planning process. My interactions with these people made me a better counselor. As a spiritual advisor, my role is to make space for the soulful exploration of a person’s desires. This requires a contraction of one’s own self, what the Jewish mystics call “tzimtzum.”

So, let’s get back to Torah. Jacob flips the estate planning monologue by focusing on his descendants rather than on his bequests. He blesses them with his vision, discernment, and guidance. Jacob offers a unique message for each of his twelve sons and two of his grandsons.

Reflecting on Jacob, here’s my suggestion for 2023. Have personal conversations about your estate. Make it personal. Do you have a message to share with your family? Otherwise, your final communication to your family and friends will be legal documents focused on probate and taxes. Is that how you want to say goodbye?

You might not understand estate planning as a spiritual exercise. However, your choices – about who inherits your property, who you trust with your assets, or your end-of-life planning – all impart a moral meaning and have a philosophical association. Jacob set out the methodology for spiritual estate planning. Make a New Year’s resolution to engage with people you love in profoundly meaningful ways.

Rabbi Evan J. Krame

Trauma fills the Jewish soul. The suffering may be passing obscurely through the generations. Rabbi Tirzah Firestone’s book “Wounds into Wisdom” explores intergenerational trauma and in particular, the kind experienced by the children and grandchildren of Shoah survivors. Yet, the epigenetic passage of Jewish trauma is as old as Torah. One of the earliest examples is the tale of Joseph.

Joseph’s siblings sold him into slavery. Later his Egyptian master condemned Joseph to prison. Joseph found salvation through his skill as an interpreter of dreams. While in prison, Joseph interpreted the dreams of other prisoners. That skill led to a call from the palace to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams. After successfully interpreting Pharaoh’s dreams, Pharaoh appointed Joseph to serve as second in command over Egypt. Pharoah gave Joseph a wife with whom Joseph has two sons, Ephraim and Menasseh.

וַיִּקְרָ֥א יוֹסֵ֛ף אֶת־שֵׁ֥ם הַבְּכ֖וֹר מְנַשֶּׁ֑ה כִּֽי־נַשַּׁ֤נִי אֱלֹהִים֙ אֶת־כׇּל־עֲמָלִ֔י וְאֵ֖ת כׇּל־בֵּ֥ית אָבִֽי׃

Joseph named the first-born Manasseh, meaning, “God has made me forget completely my hardship and my parental home.”

וְאֵ֛ת שֵׁ֥ם הַשֵּׁנִ֖י קָרָ֣א אֶפְרָ֑יִם כִּֽי־הִפְרַ֥נִי אֱלֹהִ֖ים בְּאֶ֥רֶץ עׇנְיִֽי׃

And the second he named Ephraim, meaning, “God has made me fertile in the land of my affliction.” Genesis 41:52 – 53.

Through his children, Joseph both addressed his own trauma and passed on his damaged psyche to the next generation. Joseph’s pain upon his sons. Long after Joseph’s death, Ephraim and Menasseh served as a testament to his suffering.

Intergenerational trauma is not always transferred so deliberately. As Rabbi Firestone explains, the psychic damage can pass from a parent through silence or angry outbursts, through the inability to show love or smothering protection.  While the experience of Shoah survivors is the most profound example, inter-generational trauma can be anyone’s experience.

Among the many insights Rabbi Firestone shares, I had deeply personal reactions. I wonder what traumas I inherited and how I can address them. Perhaps they show up in my dreams or in my times of melancholy. My other reaction was to contemplate how many people have I known who suffer from inherited trauma. Had I been kind or condemning when others acted out? Did I make room for the possibility that outbursts or destructive behaviors might have been inherited and not premeditated?

Not every person who has suffered trauma will be as understanding as Joseph.  He specifically named his children as a testament to Joseph’s tortured history. Without a moniker such as Ephraim or Menasseh, we may not know that trauma has been passed down within a family. Without knowledge of the trauma, we might not know what motivates friends or co-workers to act distastefully or disruptively.  What we can know, is that we have the capacity to be thoughtful and forgiving. As Plato said, “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Rabbi Evan J. Krame

While at West Point, Dwight D. Eisenhower began wrestling. He later said that through wrestling “I learned the mental discipline along with maintaining the physical stamina I would need for my future responsibilities.” In fact, there is a Torah of wrestling to be learned.

Torah describes Jacob wrestling with a beatific being. On the eve of a fateful meeting with his brother Esau, Jacob is filled with fear. While alone, Jacob encounters a heavenly adversary. They wrestle through the night.

By morning, the match is a draw. The text says that Jacob wrestled both with men and divine beings. In the end, Jacob succeeded in transcending his debilitating fear. He began the new day enlightened yet carrying forward his wounds. The activity of wrestling served a psychological purpose. After the full contact of wrestling, Jacob overcame his self-doubt. He learned that he had the strength to wrestle with all human antagonists.

Wrestlers report that the sport is as much a mental activity as a physical one. The principles of a good wrestler are applicable to everyday challenges. Appreciate you have control over how you approach an adversary. Will you engage calmly or with pressure or by sheer force?

Preparation is critical. A wrestler practices regularly before a match, just as we must practice building our own emotional and spiritual skills. We must spend time developing our techniques and skills.

While engaged in a challenging situation, you have control over whether to remain focused or retreat with your head down. To win, maintain a positive outlook. Those who succeed often have confidence in their abilities and approach. Those who lose are typically terrified of losing. You will not win every match for the rest of your life anyway…that isn’t realistic. If you lose…then you have the control to accept the loss and move on. If you are always afraid to lose, then you might never find success. Rather discover how the uncertainty of outcome can fire you up and fuel your performance, rather than poison your performance with panic.

The wrestler has practiced mental toughness as much as their takedowns. Mental toughness bolsters determination. At times we all feel overcome by negative thoughts. A consistent performer finds a way to feed off of even the negative things encountered in competition. Supplant negative thoughts with thoughts that make you feel worthy and powerful.

From Jacob to Dwight Eisenhower, wrestling built self-confidence and fostered the development of great leaders. The lessons learned from wrestling are a Torah for all times.

Rabbi Evan J. Krame